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Used to Love You.

I knew that I needed to walk away once it became draining for me to love you. What it ultimately came down to was that choosing you meant compromising me. and, as easy as you made it for me to want to leave, i stayed. time and time again i convinced myself that staying would be far better than starting over. I started to believe that this one-sided love was better than no love at all...that having the worst of you was better than the best in someone else.


i mean i had witnessed love before, just not for myself. I subconsciously observed love all around me, so it's not like i didn't know love was out there, somewhere. Still, I stayed. i stayed because i wanted love with you. i stayed just in case the day was right around the corner where you would decide on me, like i decided on you. i might have even stayed because i didn't want to add another tally to my failed attempt at something other than the modern day #situattionships I had once grown accustomed to. I stayed until my poker face started to fade. I stayed until I could no longer pretend that what we had should still be what we have.


when i really look back at when i used to love you, i can honestly say that i recognized the person that i was. i had been her before. plenty of times before. i was that girl! the girl that just loved love and held on to it even when it hurt. I saw the same little girl who would wait up for her father to call on every birthday only to never hear his voice or waiting for him to show up at a recital or a show only to look into the crowd and never see his face. I was her. I was waiting for you to "show up" and love me like it wasn't difficult for you to do. I drug the pieces i had left, from a heart that was broken and waited for you halfway. you never came. not once, did you show up.


so When I look back at how many times i used love as a reason to put up with your blatant misuse of what we had, i'm at a loss for words. I lost count of every time you had rather leave than to stay and fix what you broke in us. Then there was the way you set the expectations that you yourself couldn't even live up to. how about the way you loved me conditionally as long as i played the right role, fulfilled all your needs, and we never disagreed. But, wait then what about me?


see, i realized that i was too comfortable with you and the years we had under our belt. It wasn't until i got uncomfortable thinking so lowly of my worth that I realized i could no longer want the bare minimal you resisted to offer. I could no longer stay for potential. I needed your character to be guaranteed. i could no longer wear a "for hire" sign in our relationship hoping to convince you that i was the one you needed.


at this point, there's no more regrets and no turning back. No more second guessing or trying to figure you out. I finally learned that the only person i needed to show up, was me. i'm giving myself my all. I'm sorry you couldn't realize that my all was a beautiful thing.


-signed,

every woman that once settled, but eventually woke the f!%* up!




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© 2017.CASILYA SMITH. HOUSTON, TX.  INFO@SILTHEWRITER.COM